The Perfectly Ordinary Bridge
by Octarine Nova
Summary: One-shot: the wizards of the Unseen University find a completely un-magical bridge and have to invent engineering. Constructive flames only please-give your reason why you don't like it.


James Minor

The Perfectly Ordinary Bridge (A Discworld Short Story)

Spanning a canyon so deep that the bottom was lost in mist, was the Bridge. It seemed to be a rather normal affair, consisting of ropes connected to planks that swung back and forth across the canyon in the local winds while supported on both ends by two huge wooden stakes driven deep into the ground. Ropes ran from the top of the stakes to various sections of the bridge to support it. It was a perfectly ordinary bridge, which, if it had been in our universe, might have been called a suspension bridge. It was also completely non-magical. Which is saying something considering where it is.

Picture in the camera view of your mind's eye the bridge swaying in the wind.

_Click._

Zoom out to the canyon, bottom lost in mists, sides covered in greenery, with the now miniscule bridge swaying above it.

_Click._

See the pastoral landscape surrounding it, with rolling fields and the occasional dragon's lair complete with damsels in distress.

_Click._

A mostly tamed plain with small towns and villages and fairy circles and gigantic castles with knights in shining armor.

_Click._

A generally circular sea with the plain now off to one side, and at the delta of one of the larger rivers a huge city still easily visible.

_Click._

The shape of the continents, with the gigantic mountain of the Hub in the center of it all, where the gods live.

_Click._

The great turtle A'Tuin swims through space, carrying four elephants on his shell that in turn support the disc of the world while a miniature sun and moon circle it all. This is Discworld. An impractical world, to be sure, but one of intense magic. So magical in fact, that almost everything could be connected back to magic somehow. Nothing was _totally_ ordinary.

"Do you mean to tell me that this bridge is _completely_ ordinary?" Archchancellor Ridcully of the Unseen University was getting annoyed. He was camping out in the middle of nowhere, away from his university because someone out in this blasted countryside had noticed that a bridge didn't seem that magical. After the initial wizard sent had reported an anomaly of unusual proportions, he and a specially prepared task force from the Unseen University of wizards had been sent to investigate. Ridcully had hoped to be back by the next day, but that was becoming less and less likely. He was now standing on the swaying rope bridge looking into the canyon while all around him magical measurements were being taken.

"No, archchancellor," Ponder Stibbons, of the High-Energy Magic building of the Unseen University, reported. "It is giving off no magical energy and is associated with none of the established magical fields in the area."

"This is ridiculous," Ridcully said, pinching the bridge of his nose. "There _has_ to be some magical energy connected to it."

"No. Not even a microthaum."

"Could it be repelling magical energy instead?" Ridcully tried desperately. "That's a well established magical trait."

"No, it's not. The other magical influences in the area are interacting as though its not there, not as though it's repelling them," Ponder Stibbons responded jubilantly. "This is a completely new discovery to magic, and it could lead to a whole new understanding of how Discworld operates."

"I was afraid of that," Ridcully muttered under his breath, thinking of the discomfort of his tent (almost all wizards strongly dislike having to leave civilization).

"What?"

"Nothing. Carry on then."

Hours later, Ponder Stibbons was staring at the bridge. "I just don't understand," he murmured. "If its completely devoid of magic then it shouldn't be able to keep the bridge in the position that is it, now with the materials that are being used here." He rubbed his eyes blearily. "I guess I'll have to run the calculations again."

Two days later, the wizards were still stumped.

"I'm getting really tired of this bridge," said the Dean. "Maybe its time we tried something different."

"What?" asked the Lecturer in Recent Runes.

"Mix absolutely everything magical together that we have and see what happens."

Archchancellor Ridcully was about to reply "It's worth a try" (the time-honored response throughout the ages to the above statement whenever wizards run out of patience, which was generally within fifteen minutes) when Ponder Stibbons came running out his tent waving a piece of paper above his head excitedly. "I've figured it out! I've figured it out!" he shouted.

All the other wizards turned towards him expectantly in time to see him trip other a rock and fall face first into a large pool of mud.

"I _know_ I had it," Ponder Stibbons said mournfully, examining the sodden mess that was what was left of his calculations. "I was able, using know forces like gravity and friction, apply them to determine the equation of energy that was supporting the bridge, and it didn't involve any magic. I just can't reproduce it now. Whoever designed this bridge that an exemplary grasp of the basic forces and how to apply them."

"Well," Ridcully said decisively, "that settles that."

"What?" asked the Dean.

"We were able to determine that this is a perfectly ordinary bridge, or POB for short, but we, at the present moment, can't reproduce the calculations that determined this. Therefore our work here it done," Ridcully concluded. "Pack up the tents! Let's go back to the university!" (if there is anything a senior wizard likes more than fancy costumes with lots of glittering objects, its getting to go back to the university).

There was a huge ruckus as all the wizards turned to run out at the same time (wizards tend to stampede easily. Many have been killed on pudding day at the Unseen University over the centuries).

"Wait!" Ponder Stibbons yelled. Everyone turned to look at him exasperatedly.

"What now?" asked the Lecturer Recent Runes.

"We can't just leave!" Ponder Stibbons said. "Someone should try to reproduce the calculations."

"Good idea." Ridcully nodded. "You! and you!" he bellowed, pointing to apprentices, "you get to stay here and study the bridge until you can write the equation for why it works. From now on, you will be called…E.N.G.I.N.E.E.R.S!" (Wizards are also very bad at making acronyms. Ridcully was thinking of "thE wizards respoNsible for GettIng the job of uNdEstanding this blastEd bRidge concluded Satisfactorily", for reasons unknown).

And that was that.


End file.
